Skip to main content

How do I say goodbye?

This was inspired by a photo taken of my grandmother (Nanny) by my uncle and given to me by my mother. It is a photo that speaks of the love and history between a couple as their journey on this earth has come to an end. It is definitely a photo that speaks a thousand words. 

This is not only for my grandparents but all of those couples that have battled life together and miss their battle partner and to those of us aspiring for this type of marriage. 

How do I say goodbye?

How do I say goodbye? For this I have no answer. I look down at my hands bent with age and instead see them as they were when you first took my hand when we were a couple of kids just trying to figure out this life. Then as they were when you took my hand in marriage and we were two kids saying we would figure out this life together.

I bring my hands to my eyes to wipe away the tears and I am brought back to all of the times I brought my hands to my eyes as I attempted to wipe away sleep during those sleepless nights with infants. Babies who only seemed to be content in my arms. That was okay though, I savored those moments staring at their little faces seeing the pieces of you and me brought together in miniature form. Wondering if they would have my smile or your sense of humor. 

I touch the flag draped over your casket and again the years melt away as I remember. Together we battled a war. You protected and maintained our country's freedom and I worked to protect and maintain our family. 

No life has not always been easy. As I sit here unable to stand on my knees for long periods of time I remember all the times that life brought us to our knees. Life hasn't always gone the way we thought, then again life rarely does. Oh but darling the things we have gone through, together. 

So no I'm not ready to say goodbye. While one might look and see nothing more than a little old woman sitting at a casket of a little old man; I see a lifetime lived. A life time of love. It's not their fault, for they weren't with us on our journey. While they see you laying here in your suit, they are not transported back to the day I helped you into your suit jacket as you prepared to walk our little girl down the aisle. They can't imagine all of the memories that are ours alone. They were not there for all the whispered conversations in the dark or early morning talks. 

My mind and heart remember the birthday parties, anniversaries, holiday dinners, and other moments that found us together as life played out around us. Even as the years appeared to speed up and our bodies slowed down, life found us together.

How do I say goodbye? All of our years together have been unable to answer this question or prepare me for this moment. The moment we both knew would eventually be ours. The moment when our journey on earth would come to an end and our journey in eternity together had yet to begin. In the meantime how do I say goodbye? For this I do not have an answer. So I will sit here beside you one more time my darling and remember... 



Comments

Popular posts from this blog

Preemie Mom: Grief from pregnancy and delivery

I don’t have baby fever. Nope, not at all. Instead I’m the person tagging my husband on the story of the vasectomy celebration thrown by a wife for her husband. Complete with the snip snip hooray cake.

However, when I see a big pregnant belly or hear of a mom talking about packing her hospital bag, the twinges come. This is when the twinges of grief and dare I say envy come in every now and then.

I’m a preemie mom. As preemie mom I lost out on the last three months of pregnancy. I just got to the third trimester in time to have my pregnancy unexpectedly come to an end. Suddenly, gone was my time to spend with my oldest as I savored the last little bit of him as my only little boy, my baby. Gone was the time of planning and prepping the nursery. And yes, gone was the time of sleepless nights, crazy feeling hiccups, heart burn, and aches and pains. Basically the unpleasant but proud markers of pregnancy.

I lost out on so much. I didn’t get to post to social media asking for everyone’s h…

Our Stories

Our Stories: Reflections of the 2018 DSDN Rockin' Mom Retreat
After last year’s DSDN Rockin’ Mom retreat I wrote about the power of our hands. (Linked here). This year I leave with the importance of stories. Our stories. Everyone who has heard Bethany Van Delft's story was very excited to hear from her. Even though I was two years removed from our diagnosis and therefore past the initial processing of our diagnosis and the accompanying emotions, it brought me to tears when I listened to her story.

Every time I share our story or hear a story that I connect with at such an intense level it brings a sense of release. Sometimes it's those stories of our tough times, times when we feel so alone, that people relate to the most. That when we bring ourselves to share, we realize how truly similar we are to what others have felt and we connect to those stories. Those stories can bond us. They can change us. They can empower us.

At the retreat Bethany spoke about the events surround…

SPANX and Parenting

I will never forget when I went to an interview almost eight years ago. I felt uncomfortable in the dress I was wearing so I got some shapewear. (The 33 year old me who has since housed and birthed two tiny humans, now rolls my eyes at the 25 year old me. Shapewear. 🙄 Oh hun, just wait a few years...). I digress... So 25 year old me goes to this interview attempting to put my best face, or waist, forward.

However, while sitting in the chair they had led me to I waited for the interviewer to arrive. I looked down and to my horror my shapewear had slid down and was now showing underneath my dress. I discreetly attempted to push it back up while appearing to be a professional lady simply waiting for the interview. At this point in time I was listing to myself all the reasons why I should have been comfortable to go as me. That I didn’t need shapewear. Needless to say there wasn’t a way to pull it up to stay. And of course they wanted to give a tour and I spent the whole dang time wonderi…