Skip to main content

The Difference a Year Makes

I stood in church Sunday morning holding Kaleb as the worship team began. I stood there singing along with them as he laid his head against my chest and placed his little hand in my own. I couldn't believe how full my heart was, how in love I was with this little boy in my arms. While I was savoring the moment TJ  leaned over to me and motioned to one of the worship leaders and asked, "is she the one?" I knew exactly what he was asking and I looked. Sure enough she was. I was suddenly transported back to another church service, one that happened eleven months ago. 

A week and a half after having Kaleb we went to church before heading to the NICU. While there this lady began leading worship. I became angry. I had already held myself together as I passed pregnant women or mothers with their little babies. Then the worship team began playing. I had watched this lady as she began to sing. That is when the anger and frustration hit. I could just picture her, this beautiful lady with her beautiful life. As I said in a previous post, I could picture her beautiful family in their beautiful house which held their beautiful family pictures. My eyes had filled with tears as I experienced this anger. That was suppose to be my life. Now 11 months later my eyes filled with tears as I remembered that moment in time and my feelings that had accompanied that moment. Now here I was, once again listening to this beautiful lady with her beautiful voice but this time it was different, I was different. 

I always love listening to my coworker, Dr. Josh McNall, but that day he couldn't have brought a more perfectly timed message. I wouldn't ever do it justice if I were to try and talk about and summarize it all. In short he spoke about not wasting our trials. That has been my prayer the past year. While I might not understand why this is the story that God has given me, my prayer is that he use this, that he use me, to bring Him glory. 

Then Josh went to his next slide which read, "we finish well when we learn to LOVE and LIVE WITHIN the story God has given us, instead of the one we might have written." I once again thought back to the lady on the worship team and the difference a year can make. I hadn't even noticed her today as I worshipped,  when it was not quite a year ago that I had been beyond angry and hurt as I listened to her. I couldn't believe that God had completely changed the story I had penciled in for my life. Oh how I had desperately wanted to cling to the life I had planned. As I have said before, the past year has been a daily battle and has served as a reminder for me to let go. To let go of my sense of control, to let go of my plan for my life. This year has included hospitalizations, surgeries, team of doctors, home medical equipment, countless doctor appointments, and extra chromosomes. Through all of that I have learned there is freedom in the letting go. I have learned how limiting my story was. He has written a story that definitely has much more trials and heartache than I would ever willingly include. However, he also includes more possibilities, hope, and overwhelming love than I could ever imagine and therefore could not have written on my own. He has included many supporting characters within the story. I couldn't begin to name the individuals who have leant a helping hand, an ear to listen, or shoulder to cry on. So many have played a part to us being where we are today. I think of each meal provided, each gas card, all of the notes/cards/messages of encouragement, and all of the prayers that have been said for our family. Even the lady singing worship who has no idea the role she has played in all of this. 

Kaleb's heart might have been the one to have open heart surgery to correct his AVSD, but it was my heart that has been transformed this year. Kaleb may wear the visible scar from his procedure but my goal is that my life and my actions shows the evidence of mine. 

As we draw to the year anniversary of this crazy story rewrite my anger is gone. It has been replaced with the love I have for my family. Far from perfect and not what many would consider beautiful. My family and life story are beautiful. So I will sit in my house with my beautiful family surrounded by our beautiful family pictures that display a life story far from what I could have imagined and written for myself. 


"And not a tear is wasted, in time you'll understand. I'm making beauty from the ashes, your life is in my hands." -Just Be Held by Casting Crowns

"This is my story, this is my song. Praising my Savior all the day long." -Blessed Assurance 


Comments

  1. UnknownAugust 31, 2016 at 10:29 AM

    Like yours was at church, my heart is so full after reading this! Oh, what a beautiful boy he is, and what a beautiful life he has given you!

    ReplyDelete

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

My letter to Alex Gordon

Alex, I wanted to share a few pictures with you that show why I'm writing to thank you. You see my three year old, Kaden, knows more about baseball and the Royals than many adults I know. He loves as he would put it "all of the Royals" but without a doubt, without any hesitation when asked who is his favorite player is his answer is always one player; you.  I'm not kidding when I say Gordo was one of his first words. In fact anything baseball for the longest time was called Gordo. I'm not exactly sure why he took such a liking to you. I joke it's because his first ever game at the K and you hit a grand slam when he was not even a year old. For what ever reason he adores you. He even has a little Gordo plush doll that he likes to take everywhere.  This past year has been the toughest year for our family. Our second son, Kaleb, was born 12 weeks early at 2lb 2oz. We also learned of his diagnosis of Down syndrome two days after his birth. He spent...
5 comments
Read more

Home

Sitting here in Kaleb's nursery rocking him I look around his room and think about how many people have contributed to his room. How incredibly loved he is. I look at the decals I searched for and then put up with the help of his daddy. The chair I am sitting in given to us by Heather who sometime soon I will trust to oversee his care during the day. The little bear on the nightstand that Haley helped me pick out for him before we left the NICU. On the bookshelf sits the Curious George from Nana. I also see the Panda bear from Rance, Jessica, and Heath.  Baskets purchased while shopping with Courtney. Even the cart that his Grammy and Gramps found so that we could put all of his medical equipment on so that we could wheel it around the house. Everything in his room all the way down to the baseboards and doors finished by Daddy and Dalton were a work of love as we prepared the room for our little K2. The NICU family print that will soon be on the wall above his dresser, signed by th...
3 comments
Read more

Extra Chromosome and All

When I began my blog I admitted that while people were often commenting on my positive outlook I am not always sailing through on a cloud of positivity. I struggle, I have days where the reality of the past five months sets in or the uncertainty of the future can seem daunting. I told myself that if I were going to write about our journey that I would be open and honest, and that includes the hard moments. The moments, days, or weeks when the emotions hit. Some might wonder why I would write and share those moments with people. Why I would open myself up to that level of vulnerability, especially when those who know me know how I value my independence and strength. In those first few days after Kaleb was born and we had received the diagnosis of Down syndrome I had many emotions that I was ashamed of feeling. “What loving person would ever have these feelings?” would often go through my head and result in me feeling even worse. They were feelings that I could not even bring myself t...
1 comment
Read more